Rodney Dangerfield Dylan Thomas Do not go gentle into that good night Back to

Thornton Melon: Boy, what a great-looking place. When I used to dream about going to college, this is the way I always pictured it.
Jason Melon: Wait a minute. When did you dream about going to college?
Thornton Melon: When I used to fall asleep in high school.

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[Thornton has his feet on a chair in Dean's Office]
Dean Martin: [trying to drop a hint] Are you comfortable?
Thornton Melon: Oh, I'm fine, yeah... Oh, the chair! Oh, I'm sorry.
[proceeds to put his feet on the Dean's desk]

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Thornton Melon: Listen, Sherlock. While you were tucked away up here working on your ethics, I was out there busting my hump in the REAL world. And the reason guys like you got a place to teach is 'cause guys like me donate buildings.

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Thornton Melon: [in college bookstore] Hey, you guys get everything you need?
Jason Melon: Oh, yeah, we got it.
Thornton Melon: Good... Hey! What's with the used books?
Jason Melon: Well, what's wrong with used books?
Thornton Melon: They've already been read!
Jason Melon: Yeah, and they already been UNDER-LINED, too. Get it?
Thornton Melon: That's the problem. The last guy who under-lined them, he could have been a maniac! Hey, get these guys some new books. Huh? Get some new books, will ya?

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Dr. Phillip Barbay: Diane!
Diane: [intoxicated] Oh, Philip!
Dr. Phillip Barbay: We were supposed to go to dinner.
Diane: I just had dinner!
Dr. Phillip Barbay: I don't believe this.
Diane: [laughs] Maybe it's a dream! Good night, Philip.

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Jason Melon: Dad, why don't join me on a little reality break, ok? Just cuz you're in love with Dr. Turner, that does NOT mean you're gonna pass her course. Now, you got a major paper comin' up on Kurt Vonnegut. You haven't even read any of the books.
Thornton Melon: I tried...
[knock on door]
Thornton Melon: I don't understand a word of it.
Jason Melon: [going to the door] So, how you gonna write the paper then, huh?
[Jason opens the door to see Kurt Vonnegut standing there]
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.: [removing his hat] Hi, I'm Kurt Vonnegut. I'm looking for Thornton Melon.

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[Thornton has a room full of experts writing his papers]
Jason Melon: Dad, what's goin' on here?
Thornton Melon: I'm doin' my homework.
Jason Melon: No, no, no, no, THEY're doing your homework.
Thornton Melon: Jason, a good executive knows how to delegate authority.

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Thornton Melon: Look, I'm throwing a little party in our room tonight, and you'd better be there.
Diane: Oh, I'm sorry. I have a date with Philip tonight.
Thornton Melon: [groans] Bring him along! We may run outta ice.

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Thornton Melon: [Derek has blue hair] Is that your real hair?
Derek: What do ya think?
Thornton Melon: I think you're trying to get back at your parents, that's what I think.

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Derek: [to Jason, who's sitting there moody with a bottle and sunglasses on] Nice look. What are you going for? The heavy, disassociated artist thing... Oh, it's the deaf thing. Maybe this will cheer you up.
[Derek let's himself fall in front of Jason's seat legs spread]
Thornton Melon: [comes along waving Derek away] Oh, do me! Derek! Get up, will ya?
Thornton Melon: [to Jason] You look like the poster boy for birth control. Jason, it's a party. What's your story? What's the matter? The swim meet? Forget about it. It's history. Come on, will ya? Snap into it!

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Lou: Come here. I want to tell you something.
Jason Melon: What?
Lou: You were pretty hard on your father last night.
Jason Melon: I know, but the guy doesn't understand.
Lou: I know your pop thirty years. He understands. He's a nice guy, and he's tough. Like me. I'm nice, and I'm tough. I'll give you an idea what I mean. My two boys, I put one through college and the other I put through a wall. Your papa loves you. He's lookin' out for ya. Look out for him.

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Diane: [Thornton is buying books and treating everyone along the way... Diane looks on, impressed] Who is that?
Dr. Phillip Barbay: That... is Mr. Thornton Mellon. The world's oldest living freshman... and the walking epitome of the decline in modern education. The stupid clod thinks he can buy his way out of the gutter.
Diane: Oh, I think he was just having fun.
Dr. Phillip Barbay: Oh really? I can't wait to get him in my class. We'll see just how much fun he is then.
Diane: Oh, Phillip.

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Dean Martin: [Barbay has arrived at the groundbreaking of the new Melon School of Business] Ah, Phillip... so glad you could make it. Mr. Melon, this is Dr. Phillip Barbay. He's the dean of our new Melon School of Business.
Dr. Phillip Barbay: [Thornton extends his hand, Barbay refuses it and takes Martin aside] David, I just want to get it on record that I am totally against this. I don't think that selling admission to an obviously unqualified student is either ethical or honorable.
Dean Martin: Uh, right... Phil. In Mr. Melon's defense, it was a really big check.
Dr. Phillip Barbay: [glaring at Martin in dismay] It's a simple matter of undermining the efforts of our best students, who are here as the result of hard work!
Thornton Melon: [chiming in] Hard work? Listen, Sherlock! While you were tucked away up here working on your ethics, I was out there busting my hump in the REAL world. And the reason guys like you got a place to teach is 'cause guys like me donate buildings.
Dr. Phillip Barbay: I wasn't speaking to you, Mr. Melon.
[turns on heel and heads to his car]

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Thornton Melon: I hereby dedicate this building to... myself.

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Vanessa: I want a divorce!
Thornton Melon: Divorce - I knew we had something in common! Here, sign these.
Vanessa: I'm afraid it's not that easy, Honey! This is gonna cost you plenty!
Thornton Melon: Oh yeah? Let's talk about class a minute, all right?
[pulls out a handful of photos]
Thornton Melon: Here's you and Giorgio in the guest room... classy, isn't it? Here's you and Giorgio in the rumpus room... another classy one, huh? This one I can't figure out... there's you, there's Giorgio... what's with the midget over here?
[Vanessa storms off]
Thornton Melon: Hey, wait! I got more!

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